The Long Dark Teatime of The Soul
Well it’s been a few weeks since I typed anything here. Christmas and New Year kind of tied up my time. While neither were exceptionally bad for me. Neither were they exceptionally good.
I think that brings me to the point of this entry. Lately I have been quite depressed. No most people have various ways of dealing with depression. Some Drink until they can’t stand up or remember their own name. Then spend the next day ill swearing they will never do it again. Until next time.
I don’t drink that much. For many different reasons. The primary one is I could not afford to do that now. Second reason is that I have been there and done that, lesson learned so I don’t make a habit of it.
No I have a strange way of dealing with things. I write things down on a computer while listening to Obscure AOR Rock. So as I type this I have Issa Oversween playing in my ears.
So anyone who knows me or has read more than one of these blog entries may have realised by now I am quite a pessimistic soul. Now I would like to believe I wasn’t always like that but to be honest I never have been this effervescent bubbly enthusiastic type.
However it does cause several problems. This phase in me has very much brought up several issues with my attitude. That’s the only word I think that fits. I have an attitude that is sharp, acerbic and dark.
I very rarely enjoy anything in my life. I find everything a chore. Work, life, kids, money, everything. Considering I am a father I am not exactly a role model. However I am not going to delve into that side as it is another kettle of fish completely, maybe another day I may approach that subject.
Put simply some are good with kids, I am ok but not great lets leave it at that. Father of the Year will not be mine any time soon.
Now if I had a pound for every time someone stated “Only you can change that” I would never have to work for a while. If I had the enthusiasm to change it I would not be like this would I ?
Now there is an interesting concept to me … Enthusiasm. Yep I know what it is, I however don’t seem to have had any for a long time. It really is a concept now to me as I have forgotten the experience.
I explained in the Geek Redux post my obscure methods of approaching things but it’s not out of any enthusiasm I do it, just out of sheer boredom. I do it for something to kill time.
That’s all I do now is just kill time between sleeping or working. There is no major plan, no ultimate motion or goal, just plodding along in life like a drone filling in blank hours with something I am not really that interested in to waste a few more hours.
When I actually think back, I never was a greatly enthusiastic child, never had some grandiose goal or much ambition. That’s not to say I never had dreams, just was never that particularly bothered if they happened or not.
How do you give a man who has never had any drive or real passion for life a kick start?
Now that’s not to say I am cold. I can be friendly and even chatty in social situations. However I keep everyone at a distance I don’t let people in to the inner sanctum.
Truth is I am a great contradiction in terms. I am a solitary loner type but I lapse into deep introspective darkness when left alone too long. However put me in a large group of people and I feel very insecure.
Now the ironic thing is I could stand in front of any size crowd and chat on a particular topic if specific enough, however just general everyday chatter I find I struggle or babble sometimes alternating between the two states.
How does that work?
As I said I find mundane normal tasks impossible to summon the strength to do, however take on challenging ones quite regularly. This isn’t normal.
Lately I now find myself looking back at my life and realise how much of it I have wasted. Even more so that forty looms not a million miles away. My legacy is not something any one will be writing about anytime soon.
I am perceived by many as the oddball who lives on the fringe. I agree fully, but its now getting tiresome. I just want to have a normal life, with its usual responsibilities.
I can;t seem to do it though. I know all of my flaws, I know all the problems and how I can solve most of them. Do I do it, answer is no I don’t. Why not?
Simpler answers to this, One is I am lazy and I admit it. Two as I said earlier I have no drive, enthusiasm or ambition so find it very difficult to summon the required strength to pull myself up. Three I am genuinely afraid of success. Four I have spent so long doing things for others I no longer remember what I to do when given the time.
Pathetic isn’t it.
The rebellion I started twenty odd years ago as a young man is still raging against the world, even though I can’t really remember the initial fight. I still rail against authority, I still dance to my own tune, however the tune ended long ago and I have forgotten it I march on to my own destruction.
I now stand in the middle of nowhere wondering what I am doing here and worst of all what I actually do now.
Yes things have happened in my life, some majorly significant but to be honest it’s always been as if I am a passive point in the the middle of everyone elses dynamic lives.
People normally have a million tasks they have to do. I don’t. There is probably a million things I could be doing but that requires enthusiasm. Hmmm back here again.
Yet another factor I don’t think I can really cope with and this is due to being the fringe dweller I am. I fear actually being seen as a vital part of anything. I hate responsibility. I can take it but do so reluctantly.
See still the young man who never grew up. I am now expected to be an adult with so much. How pathetic is that?
For all I may feel like this my naive innocence that a younger mind has is gone and there is no wonder in the world, just bitter resentment of something once lost.