Wibble from a Diseased Mind

Well it’s been a few weeks since I typed anything here.  Christmas and New Year kind of tied up my time.  While neither were exceptionally bad for me.  Neither were they exceptionally good.

I think that brings me to the point of this entry.  Lately I have been quite depressed.  No most people have various ways of dealing with depression.  Some Drink until they can’t stand up or remember their own name.  Then spend the next day ill swearing they will never do it again.  Until next time.

I don’t drink that much.  For many different reasons.  The primary one is I could not afford to do that now.  Second reason is that I have been there and done that, lesson learned so I don’t make a habit of it.

No I have a strange way of dealing with things.  I write things down on a computer while listening to Obscure AOR Rock.  So as I type this I have Issa Oversween playing in my ears.

So anyone who knows me or has read more than one of these blog entries may have realised by now I am quite a pessimistic soul. Now I would like to believe I wasn’t always like that but to be honest I never have been this effervescent bubbly enthusiastic type.

However it does cause several problems.  This phase in me has very much brought up several issues with my attitude.  That’s the only word I think that fits.  I have an attitude that is sharp, acerbic and dark.

I very rarely enjoy anything in my life.  I find everything a chore.  Work, life, kids, money, everything.  Considering I am a father I am not exactly a role model.  However I am not going to delve into that side as it is another kettle of fish completely, maybe another day I may approach that subject.

Put simply some are good with kids, I am ok but not great lets leave it at that.  Father of the Year will not be mine any time soon.

Now if I had a pound for every time someone stated “Only you can change that”  I would never have to work for a while.  If I had the enthusiasm to change it I would not be like this would I ?

Now there is an interesting concept to me … Enthusiasm.  Yep I know what it is, I however don’t seem to have had any for a long time.  It really is a concept now to me as I have forgotten the experience.

I explained in the Geek Redux post my obscure methods of approaching things but it’s not out of any enthusiasm I do it, just out of sheer boredom.  I do it for something to kill time.

That’s all I do now is just kill time between sleeping or working.  There is no major plan, no ultimate motion or goal, just plodding along in life like a drone filling in blank hours with something I am not really that interested in to waste a few more hours.

When I actually think back, I never was a greatly enthusiastic child, never had some grandiose goal or much ambition.  That’s not to say I never had dreams, just was never that particularly bothered if they happened or not.

How do you give a man who has never had any drive or real passion for life a kick start?

Now that’s not to say I am cold.  I can be friendly and even chatty in social situations.  However I keep everyone at a distance I don’t let people in to the inner sanctum.

Truth is I am a great contradiction in terms.  I am a solitary loner type but I lapse into deep introspective darkness when left alone too long.  However put me in a large group of people and I feel very insecure.

Now the ironic thing is I could stand in front of any size crowd and chat on a particular topic if specific enough, however just general everyday chatter I find I struggle or babble sometimes alternating between the two states.

How does that work?

As I said I find mundane normal tasks impossible to summon the strength to do, however take on challenging ones quite regularly.  This isn’t normal.

Lately I now find myself looking back at my life and realise how much of it I have wasted.  Even more so that forty looms not a million miles away.  My legacy is not something any one will be writing about anytime soon.

I am perceived by many as the oddball who lives on the fringe.  I agree fully, but its now getting tiresome.  I just want to have a normal life, with its usual responsibilities.
 
I can;t seem to do it though.  I know all of my flaws, I know all the problems and how I can solve most of them.  Do I do it, answer is no I don’t.  Why not?

Simpler answers to this, One is I am lazy and I admit it.  Two as I said earlier I have no drive, enthusiasm or ambition so find it very difficult to summon the required strength to pull myself up.  Three I am genuinely afraid of success.  Four I have spent so long doing things for others I no longer remember what I to do when given the time.

Pathetic isn’t it. 

The rebellion I started twenty odd years ago as a young man is still raging against the world, even though I can’t really remember the initial fight.  I still rail against authority, I still dance to my own tune, however the tune ended long ago and I have forgotten it I march on to my own destruction.

I now stand in the middle of nowhere wondering what I am doing here and worst of all what I actually do now.

Yes things have happened in my life, some majorly significant but to be honest it’s always been as if I am a passive point in the the middle of everyone elses dynamic lives.

People normally have a million tasks they have to do.  I don’t.  There is probably a million things I could be doing but that requires enthusiasm.  Hmmm back here again.

Yet another factor I don’t think I can really cope with and this is due to being the fringe dweller I am.  I fear actually being seen as a vital part of anything.  I hate responsibility.  I can take it but do so reluctantly.

See still the young man who never grew up.  I am now expected to be an adult with so much.  How pathetic is that?

For all I may feel like this my naive innocence that a younger mind has  is gone and there is no wonder in the world, just bitter resentment of something once lost.

Tragic…

Well I am confused so much my head now actually hurts.  Now some know I am of a spiritual nature.  Some are not so much.  I don’t make a large sweeping announcement of my spirituality as many would think I am even weirder than I already am perceived.

I am not afraid of people knowing and if they ask I will happily tell them.  Anyway I am waffling.  Get to the point.

Recently I have been trying to do various tasks without much success. Such as Creative writing, giving up Smoking and various other things.  Now all have came to an unsatisfactory conclusion.

Many of my spiritualist friends suggested it was due to past life blocks hindering my mind.  It was not getting any better so today I took on a Past Life Regression Hypnosis session by downloading a one of the Internet.

Now I have done Meditations abnd various Hypnosis things via this method.  Some with success, some without.  So I was open to try it as I had nothing really to lose.  If it worked I would be free of a problem.  If not then i was no further forward but no further back.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained so to speak.

I managed to go into the hypnotic trance state fine I was relaxed and so forth.  I was then instructed to access a door set which would trigger the memory holding me back. Yep so far so good.

However when I got there it was just void.  Empty space in there I did not feel threatened or hurt.  I had no presence at all.  The hypnosis was recommending I take in what I look like what I experienced.  Answer was nothing, no physical form, no light just void.

No emotion, nothing I felt outside of it all. It wasn’t frightening it was not bad just empty and nothiness.

I was told to go to the end of the experience and discover what it was about.  It was void, there was no about.  Just Dark void.  I was asked if anyone was there.  It was a void, no one was there not a sausage.

I was brought back out as these things do.  I was fine but now I am just confused.  Whatever I was meant to have gained did I do it.  This has raised many questions.  Is it a good thing I was in a void.  Why was it holding me back?

Well I always said my mind was pretty empty.  In past life apparently so as I was in a void cant get more empty than that can you?

Hmm…Will consult those who do these sessions for a profession.  Yes I do know them, see what they make of it.  Until then I don’t know if that’s good or bad? 

And now my third eye and crown chakra ache.  Many claim this is a spiritual upgrading so not complaining.

So here we are another day and yet more waffle from me.

We are probably in the most active time regarding technological developments in years with the likes of the mobile phone industry pushing out phones like confetti.  The tablet market has exploded and seems to be pushing many new things out.  However its probably the least interested I have been in tech for years.

Yep we now have 4K TV’s on the horizon.  Could not give a toss I very rarely watch TV.  Latest developments just seem to leave me cold.

Many arer reading up on the XBox 720 rumours.  To be honest what I have read then to be honest I am not impressed.

Mind you it seems Tech releases and its manic moments seem to be dying out.  Recently things like the iPad Mini, Windows 8 and Nintendo Wii U have all had rather muted releases.  Sure you may have heard of them but it seems much more subdued.

It seems the tech world has finally realised the people of this world no longer have the money to throw at expensive toy technologies.  Sure there will always be the diehard must haves who would buy it as soon as it was released but now most people are more immune to advertising.

IPhone 5 sales were not as high as predicted.  However Samsung with their Galaxy S3 and Note II seem to be racking up major sales.  Most buy on recommendation rather than advertising.

Has the tech bubble burst.  Maybe the next big thing is hiding around the corner but to be honest nothing I have seen recently even hints of anything magical.

The Raspberry Pi the little £35 board that was going to revolutionise the world of children’s computer programming skills.  It became a geek thing and to be honest what people are doing with them is obviously not that exciting as we never hear much about them.

Most sit on the shelf of said geeks as they sit and think what stupid use to find for it.  Most time drawing a blank as it was something they really did not need but just wanted as it was a £35 FULLY FUNCTIONING COMPUTER.

Bollocks was it, it was an underpowered processor bolted to a slightly beefier graphics chip.  It was an enthusiasts wet dream, but to be honest it was never going to revolutionise anything really.

As for kids, they did not seem that impressed from what I saw.  Hmmm false start.

Maybe I am just a cynic, my lack of programming skill making me a bitter twisted soul.  However if I lack these skills then the Pi should be useful to me.  Ha I would not bother.  Sure it’s not bad for £35 but would live on the shelf like the other geeky sods who bought it as I have no practical use for it.

However since then there has been about six mini boards power increasing as has price.  In time they will get bored of making these useless power bricks and find a new fad.

Fingernail Projection systems (patent pending) or as I have already read about Contact Lenses with LCD screen capability. 

It’s not far away from the truth what the guys who are making H+ the web series are showing that soon we will be having chips implanted directly into the nervous system.

Transhumanism is not that far of a jump as they think.  That’s what is rather worrying.

Even showing H+ where half of the population is wiped out due to a virus launched over the network, when the writers asked if people could have a chip implanted like H+ many still said they would.  Scary thought.

In my previous post I said I was not as geeky as most perceive me to be.  Then I have had a chance to go away and think about it.   I am still geeky but my interests are very esoteric.

How so you may wonder.  Well let’s just say that these posts are normally drafted in Writeroom 3.0 which is a Mac program.  To access it I do so via a VM in VMware Workstation 8.0 of Mac OS x 10.7.4 (Lion) on my PC laptop using a Mac keyboard connected via USB.  I then use Firefox in said VM using a bridged network connection to copy and paste into this blog at Tumblr.

I have always wanted to develop for the strangest platforms.  Most want to do Windows or Linux programming-.  I have wanted to write programs for the Apple Newton or the PC Engine. Why do I gravitate towards these strange unknown systems.  Is it because they are virtually unknown.  What does it say about me?

Why did I actively find out about the new X1000 Amiga One machine. It was different that’s why?

Why can’t I follow the normal path ?
What draws me to the different and unusual with such passion ?
Why can’t I follow blindly, like a sheep?

It seems the more challenging it is to do the task at hand.  The more likely I am going to try it.  Within limits it seems. If a task seems out of my comfort zone and starts to verge on the edge of complex.  I tend to back away.

The day in question I posted the earlier post I refer to.  I spent most of the day trying to get an old game to run.  It was an old Windows game (Blood Omen - Legend of Kain) now I tried various ways including patches and even setting up a Windows 98 VM.  In the end I actually gave up as I was getting nowhere the main screen would load then the game would go wrong.

I still spent over four hours doing it though for all it was futile.  I had never even tried the game.  Watching a bit of a play through via Youtube I don’t think I missed much.  It seemed a bit lame to be honest.

I also spent three hours messing around with DOSbox comparing the differences between the Soundblaster 16 sound emulation and the Gravis Ultrasound one.  Yes the Gravis was better for tracker music but more games supported the Soundblaster.  Why did I do it?  God only knows…

Before I started writing in Writeroom I used to fire up an old Mac Powerbook 1400 I have and type using Corel Wordperfect 3e under Mac OS 8.  I must admit I do miss having Grammatik (it’s Grammar checker, strangely enough WordPerfect 10 for Windows still had a version of Grammatik but it was inferior, Ironically) which was the primary reason I used it.

I would then transfer it to CD  saving them in RTF format once enough files were worth backing up then transfer it to a Windows PC and open them in Atlantis Ocean Mind and ultimately save as DOC files so they could be read by Word.  Mac RTF was slightly different and Word kept cocking up reading the files.

I once emulated a QL on a PC using QLAY and then spent many a night typing away in Quill and storing them on a virtual Microdrive cartridge.  Why did I do that.

I now even own a QL and to be honest it has very rarely been switched on.  My copy of Quill on Microdrive is corrupted and won’t work so could be why.  The damned machine spits it out every time unable to read it.

So I intentionally seem to set myself silly long winded tasks.  Some I achieve, some I don’t.  However set me a simple task, and I avoid trying to do it like the plague.  Explain that to me for I am damned if I understand.

In time I am sure I will find some obscure project to keep me amused and avoid the easier ones.  Is that weird? …Probably

You know it’s strange that people consider me to be a real computer geek.  At one point I may have agreed with you.  However as I get older my geekiness seems in decline.

I used know everything that was going on in the tech world.  I kept abreast the world of the Web, phones, computer hardware, games etc.  Now I just can’t be arsed anymore.

Also I am not your classic geek type I have a phenomenal amount of history knowledge regarding computers due to me being a guide at the museum, however I am not an obsessive game player, I have not programmed anything in about twenty odd years, nor do I really spend hours reading about or looking for tech.

To be honest beyond typing this drivel, watching Youtube videos and occasional forum browsing I very rarely now do anything vaguely technical at all.

Very few things actually flag up as interesting on my radar.  The innovation that was the driving force of the 80’s and 90’s has been beaten into submission by the corporate lawyers of the present day.  Everything is about lawsuits and IP protection.  Whoo! sounds riveting.

That’s not to say people did not sue each other during those earlier times but it was less reported due to not having the Internet telling everyone everything instantaneously.

Lately I discovered about the X1000 Amiga system.  It looks pretty amazing.  Shame it will never become more than a few people in the world who will ever have one, but the system showed promise.

Ok many will say the Amiga is long dead and to be fair it pretty much is.  It’s glory days are long gone.  However it’s nice to see in this world of faceless Windows 8 and corporate bullshit that alternatives are still about.

Now many would point me in the direction of Linux when I mention alternative.  I have tried Linux since the days of Slackware which gave the whole archive on 6 CDs.  Trust me I have really tried to run it. However find a problem, don’t ask for help.  The world of Linux geeks are unhelpful as sin.

Normal response to driver issues are “You build it, Smart arse”.  If I could have done that I wouldn’t have the problem in the first place would I Fuckface.

In the end I have given up on Linux.  It’s just not great even trying more flavours than Baskin Robbins, none just hit that magic level where I was satisfied to say “Yep I could use this every day and not lose sleep”.

That is another point I guess maybe I have hit the wall in my level of geek.  I don’t have the skills to move up.  I don’t have the necessary level of enthusiasm to go diving into the world of script junkies and god knows what.

Also I can’t afford the tech…Simple even if I wanted to I probably would not be able to support the habit.  Is that true if I had the cash would I invest in more techy stuff.  Probably not tech has reached its limit for me.

There is no magic left… I am sure it’s still there I just don’t seem to be able to find something to spark that enthusiasm back up.

Not a happy bunny…  My hands are cramping up.  As a sufferer of Raynaud’s Phenomenon my life is being made a nightmare at the moment.  Just seems no matter what I do I can’t seem to get the circulation back to my hands meaning I am suffering. I have been back in a heated environment for over an hour and a half and still I can’t get the pain to cease.

Probably does not help that I work in a cold environment in a chain retail store.  If I am not hiding out somewhere in the Dairy environment they tend to put me in the Frozen dept.

I am being very succinct not to mention where I work as they will no doubt have a field day with their Internet policies should I mention them.  Although I have several medical issues I have no desire to lose my job.

However I have discovered many attributing factors to my condition some I knew some I did not.  Reading up on it via the Internet (fastest way to become a hypochondriac I know) I found extra factors.

I knew my habit of smoking was not helping.  My GP told me that was the primary reason I had it when it was diagnosed.  One day I will give up (not for the want of trying I just have no willpower).

However I have just discovered additional factors too.  I now have to stop drinking energy drinks and avoid caffeine as it also restricts blood flow. That is going to be tough but not impossible.

Then it gets better… Apparently Stress can be an important causing factor.  Now that is a totally different matter and not exactly easy to rid myself of.  Trust me I try and live a quiet life but anyone will tell you a retail environment is stressful.

So collectively with all of these factors I am completely screwed.  Just when I thought my life could not get any worse.

Life’s a bitch that just keeps on coming. 

So here we are at the keyboard again typing more drivel as it pours from my mind in an endless stream.

So what is going to come from my diseased mind today.  Well actually this I think is the problem.  My mind has sat idle for far too long and it does not really get enough stimuli.  So it seems to wander of it own accord finding any little trivial aspect I can find in life and analyse it down to the smallest point.

This in its self is quite worrying. Actually I retract that statement it would only be worrying if I sat here and analysed it.

You see this is the thing with me you see.  I am a man of many ideas and thoughts but actual implementation is a bother.   I sit and pontificate from my little bubble but when it comes down to physically getting off my arse and actually doing something.  There is the problem.

Sure there is many issues I could blame such as low self esteem, lack of funding etc.  These are really excuses to why I won’t do it.   This is not a good thing as I then get depressed and despondent because I have nothing to do.  The truth of the matter is I only have myself to blame.

So what I have to do is actually go and do some things in life even if it ultimately is futile.  The true test of it all is actually sticking your head in the lions mouth.  Then you just pray you have fed the lion enough or it’s in a good mood.

To be honest I would not have the computer knowledge I have today if I had not sat and rebuilt my PC sat and learned how various systems worked.  Okay I never mastered the to the level of  many others.  However I managed to make myself reasonably competent.

As for lack of funding for things.  This is true in some expects but to be honest I am an Internet Savvy kind of guy so for example if I wanted to learn Music I am sure there is resources out there I can pull from.  If I require books then there is many sites I can pull from.  Training videos are out there on the net somewhere.  Ok some would require payment but most of the time I can get around that obstacle.

I will always find an excuse.  I kinda take the Homer Simpson approach which is the old “Well son, if its too hard it’s probably not worth doing” attitude.  Which is in turn its own self defeating prophecy.  If you immediately assume you are going to fail then most likely you probably will.

Now the crazy thing is.  If someone puts up a challenge I grasp it and try and run with it.  However when its a self imposed challenge I will make any excuse under the sun not to finish my task. The crushing self defeatist attitude takes over and proceeds to put anything I do into disrepair.

Self sabotage is quite a common flaw and I know well enough I am not alone in this avenue.  However that has got to stop.  The only person who can stop it is me.

I could now sit and give a full discussion in self sabotage but to be honest that would be a futile and fruitless discussion.  It’s just me sitting and analysing again.  If I must analyse can I not use it for something useful.

I think the ultimate problem is I don’t know where I am going in life.  Ultimately nowhere because I keep pontificating rather than actually getting on and doing something and then if I fail well you know what at least I damn well tried.

Well it’s time to see what is contained in this diseased mind of mine.  Time to see if there is any grey matter in here that is still functioning.  To be honest I won’t hold my breath as normally the complete void that seems to live between my ears seems to lack any creative spark.  Terrible shame as I seem to exhausted my brain.  However here goes nothing.

Lately I seem absolutely fed up with media, especially television and film at the moment there is very few things that have even vaguely blipped on the radar.  Is it because I have become disillusioned with most of it or is it there is nothing that interests me anymore.

I am not denying in general my apathy level is at pretty high levels.  Very little excites me or gives me reason to pause for thought.  I am now rather sickened by most of the world including myself.  How do I undo that.  I really used to have interests in things.  Now I could not really care less.  Rather worrying.

To be honest I rarely watch TV anymore.  Mostly now I watch cookery programs, which is ironic considering I don’t even cook.  Otherwise I have sat and watched old sci-fi series such as Quatermass.  Lately it seems he world is obsessed with Vampires, Zombies and the end of the world. Some alleged Apocalypse to be honest if it did happen now.  I would not really care as most of the human race as a species is general better off wiped off the face of the planet.

It’s a sad, sorry place so maybe a reboot would be a good thing.

Anyway back on topic.  Rather than my dark inner monologue of a hatred for most people in this world.  To be honest TV and Film seems to be churning out absolute dross lately.  Very few films can grab my attention.  I am sure someone out there is making them but I am not aware of them.

Don’t get me wrong such things such as Limitless, Shutter Island and Blade Runner were films I thoroughly enjoyed.  They had narrative that was compelling and had the ability to draw you in.  This is what is missing from all the crap out there.  I am not the only one who thinks this. I believe Martin Scorcese also said a similar thing a little while ago.

We all know that there are I believe they say 8 archetypes of stories but its how you manage to execute getting from Point A to B that makes it different.  Is it a lack of imagination I actually doubt it.  Is it technical limits preventing the execution.  No I don’t think so the computers and so forth have made it easier to get these visions across.  To be honest I  blame the braindead world of Executives who look at this world in the terms of a quick buck.

Look at any decent film and most have taken years to come to fruition.  Time has been invested in getting the story, the atmosphere and general aesthetics right.  The problem now is they are pushing out films with very little thought or creative process put into them.  Cookie cutter style with famous actors pushed in.

The same probably goes for TV.  Mind you it now seems to be full of bullshit reality TV shows, Backstabbing bastard American TV dramas, or as I said earlier Vampire, zombie or end of the world diatribe.

Any shows that have vague promise seem to be pulled by major networks.  Then again it more likely proves how I am part of a small subset of people who like a programme, series or film to be a little more cerebral.

I could not care if insert name of Z-list celebrity is being dropped into a tank of live vipers and torn to shreds.  Which tuneless twat wins the stupid vacuous talent contest of the moment. Just stop it now for fuck sake, it’s embarrassing.